Hall of Hate

These are the major cinematic criminals and crimes that I feel make life a poorer place. I despise them one and all. Let me know if you agree. They are in no particular order.

Freddie Prinze jr – wooden pretty boy with as much talent as a burst carbuncle but without the oozing charisma.

Rhys Ifans – If you see this man’s name in the credits of the film you are about to go and see run screaming from the auditorium and warn others. His ability to spot a bad script is unsurpassed – not even Joseph Fiennes has managed it.

Richard Roxburgh – Has created both the worst Dracula and the worst Sherlock Holmes ever. He should never be allowed to act ever again…not even in pantomime.

Martin Lawrence – Ugly, squat, talentless fuck whose idea of being funny is to shout a lot and mug. About as funny as being told you’ve got HIV.

Michael Bay – Cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cunt. Stroboscopic editing, lousy scripts, camera shots that move with no purpose other than for the sake of camera movement, no subtlety. He could very well be Beelzebub.

McG – Ditto squared

Stephen Sommers – CGI fuckwit. Van Helsing is a cinematic crime. He would love to be either of the directors above. He hasn’t even achieved that dubious distinction.

George Lucas – He can’t write dialogue, he can’t direct actors, he can’t edit action properly any more and he can’t leave his best films alone. He is an idiot.

Steve Martin – Once unbelievably funny. He had it all and squandered it on feeble crap. Felt the need to bugger the memory of Phil Silvers with Bilko, has now decided to perform a similar act of artistic sodomy upon Peter Sellers. Does this man have any sense of shame?

The Rock – People say he is next big thing in action. Maybe I’m confused but I thought he was just a big, talentless twat in spandex pants

Akiva Goldsman – Oscar or no Oscar he is shite.

The Matrix Sequels – Took a fantastic original and ground it into the dirt. Thoroughly worthless pieces of CGI shit done for the money. All those concerned should be ashamed.

Brett Leonard – Anybody remember this guy? A pioneer in plotless, witless, CGI crapfests: The Lawnmower Man, Hideaway and Virtuosity. The traiblazer for every CGI blockbuster that has crawled up from the sewer since. Now in obscurity but there is always the fear that he could make a comeback. The hounds of Hell should be unleashed to track him down!

Bond Films – Goldeneye was good fun and all seemed rosy in the Bond camp. However, it was the cinematic equivalent of an Indian summer. Every Bond film since has been worthless. Die Another Day was an atrocity. The Bourne films are the future for this kind of film.

Ashley Judd – Imagine every woman in peril film that’s been absolute crap in the past six years and, more often than not, this woman’s fingerprints will be somewhere upon it.

Sean Connery – Has lived off the cachet generated by The Untouchables for 18 years, and nearly eveything he has made since then has been shit. His last good performance was in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade…that was fifteen years ago! His last great performance was in The Man Who Would Be King, and that was in 1975! His work with Sidney Lumet was awesome, and his Bond is the best but he has squandered all that on being the World’s Sexiest OAP!

I will continue this from time to time along with my list of things that makes cinema a wonderful place to be